Just thinking.

You ever wonder what your life would have been like if you would have made different choices? If you didn't happen to meet that person, go to that school, move into that neighborhood - would your life be the same visualization, or be the same person? Do you think you would be thankful for things the same way? I think of what my idea of what I want myself to be, and I honestly want it to be different. I want more appreciation for art and the things I'm good at. I want work to be fulfilling (I paid enough for the education to get there someday). I'd like a husband that bitched a little less, and thought more about the words that exited his mouth. I would like to wake up in the morning and walk into my own home decorated how I want it. And a little baby who knew his momma loved him and would be back soon when she has to be away. Patience is growing thin. Don't get me wrong people, or think I'm not grateful for what I have, cause I've got it pretty damn good. My life isn't depressing, usually. I just have my candle burning at both ends. And I'd like to remember that me is also we in more forms than one. I'm just so damn tired of being considerate.

cool stuff i've found online

I use a site called stumbleupon.com, and you hit this button on a task bar you download and it takes you to random sites. here's some fun that i've encountered there:

Resemblance

So, I've asked Lynette for some baby pics of Tom so I can see who Dillon looks like to no avail. But, flipping through the pages of my baby book, I'm pretty convinced he looks like me :)

This is me as a baby:








Dillon:

Books Galore

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. List 15 books you've read that will always stick with you. They should be the first 15 you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag 15 friends, including me, because I'm interested in seeing what books my friends choose.

1. Fahrenheit 451
2. The Red Tent
3. The Lovely Bones
4. Pride and Prejudice
5. Girl, Interrupted
6. Sybil
7. Bridget Jones
8. The Secret Garden
9. The Egypt Game
10. What to Expect... hahaha
11. There are No Children Here
12. Conversations With God
13. Yummy Yucky
14. Silence of the Lambs
15. I Love Everyone (and Other Atrocious Lies)

My sweet son

I am on cloud 9 seriously. This is it...fulfillment. I know all the efforts for school,my personal growth, love for my husband, spirituality is all bundled in a blanket in my arms. This is what i was missing. I am so grateful after all the things we've been through together already, he's perfect. I could stare at him forever.

If you get a chance, look up A Song for Sleeping by Stone Temple Pilots. It's a dedication to my little boy:


Finally Ive met you
The day has come
Youre more than beautiful
And youre my son

I dont deserve this
I never thought it could be
Quite like the moment
When you first smiled at me
A toothless, wonderful feeling
Like Id never seen

Its you, *Dillon*, its you

And when you lie down to sleep
Ill protect you
From the demons of the night
While Im watching you grow

Ill pray
Theres so much I could teach you
If you only have the time
Pray
Theres so much God can teach you
If you only have the time

So will you tell me the little things?
What does God look like?
And angels wings?
I dont remember these things
So would you teach them to me?
So for the moment
Ill watch you breathe

And when you wake up in the morning
And I pour the coffee
Youre always smiling sweetly

One event down, One to go

Whew... all went well, better than expected actually. For all of you that have been asking, I had to have heart surgery while being pregnant to fix a defect in my heart that was causing problems. The picture below shows the Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO)opening between the left and right atrial wall that shouldnt be there. Everyone's born with it open, but it 70% of the time closes. For the other 30%, most never notice problems, but some like me do.





So, to fix it I had Trans-Catheter surgery through a vein in my leg that goes to my heart to put a device in the space to keep dirty blood from flowing to my brain causing strokes (or mini strokes in my case).

Here's a pic of the device they put in my heart:



Now that i have had it done, i have gone from a 25% chance of having a full blown stroke to a less than 1% chance. The danger and need to doing it while i was pregnant is that when your in labor, matter from your uterus can be passed through your veins, as well as having increased blood levels, and my heart generally working harder...increasing the stroke risk that much more.

They wouldnt give me images of my own procedure, but here's what the device looks like in MRI images:



So needless to say i'm right as rain now, and after the tense emotional strain of the hospital stay all is good, and baby hasn't been happier. Now i can rest and prepare for the next big event...little baby!!!

Weekends are the best.

So in anticipation of Tuesday's events, I thought it'd be great to spend the weekend doing relaxing things: Tom and I bought a little gas grill and had BBQ Friday, we went to Tom's parents and hung out, and I got to spend time in the bathroom waxing the eyebrows (more like "eyebrow")

and doing a home pedicure.

Stress managed.

Hopefully this week will go by quick, and easy. And who knows, maybe lots of good things will happen.

Totally went to a bridal shower today for one of my best friends Brooke. It was really nice. Being there got me thinking about where my life is at, and how grateful I am for everything I've been able to do and share with everyone. Feeling little baby inside me and looking forward to all the stuff Tom and I are gonna do with him. I have a feeling he may be slightly spoiled (within reason i promise). No one likes a brat.

I just gotta get through the next couple of months. The most trying of my entire life. I found out this week that I'm going to have to have my heart surgery before I have the baby, and I'm freaking out a little. I guess with me having the symptoms I've been having worries my cardiologist enough that he doesn't want to wait. So now i get to wear a lead vest on my tummy during the surgery, have a fetal anesthesiologist present, and be mostly awake during the procedure because i cant be put fully to sleep because I'm pregnant. I'm not worried about the surgery, because I have one of the best cardiologists in America doing it. He's done it on pregnant women before. And i should be healed enough to have a normal labor (hopefully with an epidural...but that's a whole different story). Strong little guy.

I just don't want to hurt the baby.

On a lighter note, I'm sitting here watching to my best sense of helpfulness, Tom putting together the crib. It's kind of nice to feel like we're doing something for the baby, not just talking anymore. I do however, need ideas for pictures for his side of the room. We were going to do Where the Wild Things Are, but I don't know if I feel like ordering it off the internet...hmm.

Well, hopefully I'll update before I actually have the baby :) I'll let you know how the heart crap goes. Keep me in your prayers :)

ok so i commit to writing here more.

Since I found out i'm pregnant, i thought this would be a cool place to chat about family stuff and what's goin on. But alas, i am lazy and haven't posted in like 2 months. Well, for anyone that reads this, i'm gonna try to make it a weekly thing and as baby gets around to poking his head out, i will load pics and fun stuff here too. Ok, with that said, today my mom is throwing me a baby shower, so i will be sure to post stuff about that soon!!!

Oh the changes have taken place.

I'm sitting on my couch just getting over the stupid flu. Tom and I are expecting in July, so to have a place for our little one we thought it'd be the perfect time to buy a house. We've done so much research, and really thought hard about the decisions we're about to make. We know how much we can spend, and the general areas of where we'd like to be. We have a really cool Realtor who has taken us freaking everywhere. We settled on a house that was good for the money, and pretty big. It was in Kearns, but the house was newer and in my impression a decent looking neighborhood. They accepted our offer(like ten grand lower than the listed price). I was really starting to think I'd own a freaking home. But I knew i wanted to be damn sure that i was making the right decision. All of this went down yesterday. This morning, my mother-in-law saw tom while him and his dad were finishing up a project, and she asked if we checked the sex offender website to see how many offenders lived in the area. Way good idea i hadn't even thought of. I put in the address and come to find out that 13 offenders, alot of which have 1st degree felony forcible rape convictions, live in a mile vicinity of my would be house and so close to the school where my little baby will go. 5 men of the 13 live in a halfway house like two blocks away. I didnt think i really had any deal breakers. Its for damn sure this is one. I know I can do better than that, and I know that's all I'd think about once we moved in. It wouldn't be fair to spend so much money and work so hard to have it tainted by the thoughts of freaks living so close to me. I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Isolation is growing in my brain again...

Sometimes the words of another can express your feelings and experiences so exact it's like a knife slicing your skin. I had a doctor's appointment today, it didn't go so well. No death sentences or anything. But more doctor's appointments and skepticism. A heart is a delicate thing. It can go through extreme stress, bad diet, disease and survive. But the slightest thing can break it.

If you only knew.

These are the words to an awesome song from a band that tugs my heartstrings. The song is called Weightless by the band Floater... and if you know anything at all about me, you know how special they are to me.

When you were young, burning under the covers,
And hundreds of lovers were trailing out behind you
Time will move just as you pull it, quicker than a bullet
You know it's gonna to remind you

How your heart, so sticky sweet, is waiting to attack
You play the hand you're given
Even though the deck is stacked
Until you're ready for the next one, yeah

And then a wise man taught you a lesson
While you were confessing, staring at the fire
"Take your time because as long as you're living
It's all that you're given, you are a slave to desire."

You said "oh sun come out today",
It said "I will not shine."
You begged the moon to light your way,
It said "I must decline, because the fall makes you break.
But the breaking makes you see that only the light gives you shape In the darkness you stay shapeless

Only love gives you weight
Only love can keep you waiting
Only love makes you weightless"

All this time you have been aching for someone to trust
Filling all your days with taking and doing all the things you must
Gravity is slowly breaking down your will
Don't hold it back
Don't hold it back
Don't hold it back

Because the fall makes you break
But the break makes you see that
Only the light gives you shape
In the darkness you stay shapeless

Only love gives you weight
Only love can keep you weighted
Only love

When you were young, burning under the covers
And hundreds of lovers were trailing out behind you
Time will move just as you pull it
Quicker than a bullet
You know it's going to remind

How your heart, so sticky sweet, is waiting to attack
You play the hand you're given
Even though the deck is stacked
Until you're ready for the next one, yeah
yeah..

It's looking so good...

Hope

If not, I hope that the right decisions get made. I'm sending ALL of my good karma Obama's way.

bbbaahhhhhh

Rainy day

I love rainy days :) I absolutely love the smell and that foreboding feeling it gives the air. The soothing sound it makes on the ground like memories from my childhood. Maybe my kids will like rain as much as I do. It makes colors come out of nowhere, and cleanses my lungs. It's even better in the mountains with the fog and earthen heaviness.