My little existential crisis.

I am so at this segway in my existence where I really want to cut the egalitarian b.s. and just be myself. I want to quit trying to make peace and be concerned about my family and our existence.
I'd like to think about us for once, and not worry what other people are saying and thinking. I know my husband and I are solid. I know what we have is special and unique. I have full trust and faith in our future, and I know he works so hard every single day to prove his love for me.

But there's something missing

A piece in myself aching to be expressed.

Faith... what a word. I have never been able to express in words what it is to me, and I likely never will.


This is so hard for me. The only way to explain is that my "self" is hesitating for some reason. You know how in life you go through phases? Like, your a kid, then your a "awkward" teen, then your at the beginning of your life when you graduate high school, then you're finding yourself when you're in your twenties. I'm somewhere in there. more mature than college life, but reluctant and longing for parenthood. Beyond Democrat but definitely not Republican.

I'm screaming inside to know what the hell to do.

I KNOW i can be successful at work. I am so fucking better than... I deserve and am intelligent enough for the best. I'm holding back.


For what? Help me. I need to know it's not some tragic flaw.

I saw this on PostSecret's website... This is exactly where I'm at. Go to postsecret.com. Really worth the effort.

Oh, and never bother with going to Burt's Tiki Lounge. It's a shit hole. It's full of weird stinky men, and freaky bands with no talent.

Why I'm against Prop 8

***opinion warning. If you're easily offended don't read...if you do you cant get pissed and not talk to me.




By merely reading this you open yourself to my opinions. But, when have I ever wanted to impose my deep rooted beliefs on ANYONE else without their permission? And i dont intend to do it now.

I don't f-ing care about people's stance on gay marriage. Who the hell am I to voice my opinion on someones LOVE. LOVE. Their heart and soul... their happiness on this planet. They deserve it as much as I do. And because someone is afraid of something they don't understand, it must be wrong somehow. Because their "God" tells them that it's wrong. Ok I respect that, I really do. But its no reason to be homophobic and treat someone like it's the damn 60's and they're a different race.

We're all people that just wanna know where we belong.


I know I don't belong with bigots. There are rules in the great book about that too.

I witnessed something today that confirms that people are heartless. That as much faith in whatever you may have, it will never overshadow what kind of person you really are.

My birthday rocked.

MMM...Tom made me a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, my favorite homemade iced tea, took me to Cafe Rio for dinner...had a Mario marathon, AND bought me a four hour stay at Breathe day spa. He is the best guy ever :)

Modern healthcare may go around the elbow to get to the ass, but I'm glad they do it.

So early this morning I decided to play dumb and call my neurologist inquiring about the blood tests I had. While on the call, I also casually asked when the results of my MRI i had done yesterday would be available. The really nice nurse jotted my work number down, and said that she would give it to the physicians assistant. I go all day kinda bummed cause this has been like a month and a half process, and when I get home from the long train ride my phone rings. My heart skips a beat, and I answer. Turns out that the blood came back normal except for slighly elevated thyroid levels(but not enough to do anything about)

AND... the MRI came back ok!!!!

I had that wave of relief/goosebumps all over my body. She said that my vein function and lobes looked great. She went over what i need to do next, which is a echo cardiogram to make sure that I don't still have the murmur that i had as a child. I guess that would allow blood clots through to my heart, on top of allowing for further problems in the future. But totally doable. I think that brain problems are WAY worse than heart stuff...not to down play it. But the heart stuff is fixable.


I still want to get images for an art project... and am never going to visit WebMD again bastards.

Being slightly paranoid, and possibly for good purpose.

So about two years ago i got married. Around that same time the makers of Ortho Evra, the birth control that I was taking at the time, announced that the patch they used caused strokes in an abnormal amount of users. Newly married, I thought this a good time to change BC's cause Lord knows I'm a little young to have a stroke.

Fast forward to today: Two years and now counting six different BC's later, I just today came home from an MRI to make sure the hormones that are coursing through my body aren't killing me. I have had three episodes of blurred vision, and regularly see stars and lightning bolts in my field-of-view. My neurologist says that most likely its just migraine auras, or possibly mini-strokes caused by the high levels of estrogen in my brain from the BC but they want to make sure that it isn't anything worse, like MS or brain vessels exploding.

Reading this shit stresses me out, let alone living it. But be rest assured, that whatever it is, I'm cool. I've got a great family, and friends most of which I haven't told anything about this to. And this week when I get the results, I'll be sure to post whats up.

Well, until then. :)